My Little Pony: Crackfics are Magic
by raldfics
Summary: I've written lots of crackfics, and thus, I shall start by uploading them here. These have nothing to do with anything and shall be treated as crack thusly.
1. Twilight x Colgate

Twilight x Colgate

Or: brushie brushie brushie

so one day Twilight Motherfucking Sparkle was at the motherfucking library when all of a motherfucking sudden motherfucking Spike was motherfucking there. "Hey Twilight, can I be your stereotypical slave boy? Also I love Rarity desu~~~" he said. "Shut up you bitch" said Twilight and then Spike flew out the window and hit Colgate outside. So Colgate fell inlove with Twilight's sexy horn and then she was like "Hey Twilight can I brush your horn kyaaa~~~" so Twilight got her horn brushed and then 5 days later there was a magical lesbian baby. They named it Mentadent.

Spike is still gay.


	2. Spike x Red Dragon

Spike x Red Dragon

or: I don't even know

The air got thinner and thinner as the tiny purple dragon climbed to the top of the mountain. Spike, the tiny purple dragon in question, wanted to learn how to use his dragon ways to woo Rarity, the beautiful white unicorn with the silky purple hair. Spike sighed as he thought of his crush, and how hopefully she would soon be within his grasp. But, being the young dragon that he was, and having been raised among ponykind, he was ignorant to the mating customs of dragons. So he had decided to seek help from the most powerful dragon in the land, the might Red Dragon. The Red Dragon had lived for hundreds of years and knew all about the ways of dragons. Spike continued his arduous climb until a dark cave at the peak of the mountain came into view. Spike took a moment to catch his breath and stare into the pitch black cave. He could see nothing of a red dragon, but the only way to discover if the red dragon was really in there would be to go in. Spike swallowed, and proceeded into the cave. As he went further and further in, he heard snoring. The snores echoed through the cave and got louder and louder as Spike drew nearer and nearer. Then Spike turned a corner and was face to face with a massive dragon, red scales gleaming in the sunlight a hole in the ceiling let in. Spike stared for a minute, and then opened his mouth. "Uh, excuse me, Mister Red Dragon?" Spike shouted. The snoring stopped, and the Red Dragon opened an eye, staring right at Spike. The Red Dragon scanned Spike for a second. The Red Dragon had not had companionship in a long time. "Mister Red Dragon, I was wondering if you could teach me the mating rituals of dragons?" Spike asked. The Red Dragon perked up at this idea. Ooh yes. "Well, little one," began the Red Dragon, "first of all, we start with a passionate kiss." Suddenly the Red Dragon's tongue forked out of his mouth and into Spike's. As the long tongue writhed around Spike's, Spike began to feel a warm sensation run throughout his body. He felt...good. Eventually, the Red Dragon pulled out of Spike's mouth. "What do you think, little one?" he boomed. "Wow, that was great, teach me more!" And so the Red Dragon began to explore Spike's body as Spike himself had never done before. The morning came about, and Spike woke up to find himself next to the massive Red Dragon, who was staring at him lovingly. "Oh, Sir Red Dragon, you're so wonderful." he murmured. "Forget Rarity, I'm going to stay with you forever." The Red Dragon smiled, and pulled Spike close to him. They lived happily and passionately ever after. The end.


	3. Twilight x Alcohol

Twilight x Alcohol

Or: Alcohol is Magic

One fateful day in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle woke up to find Pinkie Pie bouncing in her house.

"Pinkie Pie, what the buck are you doing in my house?" she said.

"Well, Twilight, I'm bouncing around for no particular reason. PROBLEM?" Pinkie's face contorted into a shape that infuriated Twilight Sparkle. She blew Pinkie Pie the hell out of her house using magic and then stormed out with Spike to get something to drink. When she reached the "FROSTY DRINKS YO" section of her local Circle K, she looked in and found some Colts Light.

"What the hell is this?" she asked Pony Marvin.

"It's booze you stupid filly." he responded. "It gets you drunk. Makes you forget all your troubles."

"Cool." she said. She traded Spike for the booze and then went back home. Upon getting home, she found Rainbow Dash in the library, near a couple of burning books.

"What the clop is this?" asked Twilight.

"Well, uh, I set your stuff on fire." replied Dash.

Twilight threw a bottle of booze at Dash, and knocked her unconcious. The alcohol caught on fire and Rainbow Dash started to burn to death, along with the tree house. Twilight closed the door and began to drink. She slowly became drunk, and eventually stumbled out of her house clutching the case of booze in her mouth. She fell over and watched her treehouse burn, and then walked over to Rarity's house. She burst in by falling through the door.

"Rarityyyyy you BITCH where are youUuUu?" she sang horribly offkey. Rarity came from nowhere and took a look at Twilight.

"Darling, are you drunk?" Rarity asked.

"No officer, I only had one." Twilight responded. She then proceeded to vomit and pass out on Rarity's floor.

The next day she was arrested for arson, murder, and intoxication in public. She was sentenced to life in prison and spent it drinking until she eventually died from alcohol poisoning. It was a good life.

The End


End file.
